


For you, my love

by lecomtedelacomtesse



Category: War and Peace (TV 2016)
Genre: Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Love Triangles, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:06:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lecomtedelacomtesse/pseuds/lecomtedelacomtesse
Summary: Sonya feels that the sole purpose for her being on this earth is to adore Nikolai Rostov. This has always been the way things were with her and Niki and there is no shame in that—not to her.





	For you, my love

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is just basically how I see the situation going between Sonya/Nikolai/Marya after the series/book leaves us. It goes against all my feminist tendencies but I was trying to get into the mindset of Sonya, so here’s the result. 
> 
> Also, a warning: the relationships in this are not exactly _healthy_. There is a scene that could come across as non-con. And with Nikolai’s behaviour, coupled with Sonya’s thoughts on it all, I think it could contain some triggers for past experiences of abuse. 
> 
> We all know Nikolai is a bit of a petulant brat, and in his own words, Sonya is just _too good_. I actually feel like the attributes that are considered ‘virtues’ in Tolstoy’s time are not the same in men and women of today, at least not in the West. I’ve tried to make sense of it through that historical/cultural lens. 
> 
> I don’t think you should follow Sonya’s example if you’re in an abusive relationship—or one where you aren’t treated well—please get help and get out.
> 
> P.S. I recently gave birth myself, so I don’t know if that’s influenced Sonya’s musings on pregnancy and motherhood? Probably. I guess I’ll unpack that later...

On the day he comes to tell Sonya about his engagement to Marya Bolkonskaya, Nikolai tries to hide his face from her—on account of the guilt. He has been dreading this confrontation, having not kept his word to her. After stringing her along all this time, he is about to marry someone else. 

He tells her she is is too good for him, but Sonja feels differently. Despite how he thinks she should react, she is not angry with him. She is sad and full of grief, but she tells him she will always love him, no matter what happens to them and no matter who he marries—even if he does not love her. In that moment, her pledge of devotion only serves to infuriate him. He is caught between the desire to shake her and protect her at all costs.

In the end, his petulance wins, and he lashes out. He coldly tells her that he loves Marya. It breaks her heart to hear him say it—but seeing him happy is all she’s ever wanted, so she accepts it. 

Their wedding is one of the hardest things she must endure. He is so focused on his new bride and seems so immensely happy to be saving his family from financial ruin. It hurts Sonya so much to see him like that, but it is also a beautiful sight that she wouldn’t trade for the world. She resolves that her purpose in life will be to watch him—just be a witness to his beauty and the happiness of his life—though she will never experience it herself. She lives for him. 

With her and the rest of their family living under Marya’s—now Nikolai’s—roof, it isn’t easy. She knows Nikolai has a temper and arguments between him and Marya escalate quickly. It is almost as if he resents dear Marya for having to take him in and rescue his family from destitution. 

Every now and then Sonya catches his eyes wandering over to her—almost longingly—and the pain she sees in them is almost unbearable. Sonya tries to remove herself from the room when these situations occur and hide away in her bedroom, alone. 

One evening, after one such occasion, she hears a knock at her bedroom door. When she goes to open it—it’s him. 

Nikolai comes inside with no hesitation, and in her nightgown she feels self-conscious and exposed—though not afraid. He notices her discomfort and tells her that he only wishes to talk with her. 

She can handle that. 

Though when he starts to say what it is thats on his mind, she’s not sure she can after all. He tells her that he is unhappy, that he was wrong to let her go—wrong to marry someone else. He thinks of her all the time and realises now that he doesn’t love Marya at all. He loves Sonya.

Sonya tries to argue that he seemed so happy with Marya before, but he says he was only grateful to Marya for accepting him and taking care of his family. He mistook the relief and gratitude for something more. He says he cares deeply for Marya—and is moved by her generosity and selflessness towards him and his family—but it is not in the same way he loves Sonya. 

When he starts to tell her how much he wishes it was her in his bed when they make love, she stops him. 

She has to leave. She tells him so. She cannot stay here if he feels this way. It was wrong of her to stay in the first place, she realises, and she is suddenly frantic with making plans. Perhaps she could go back to Dolohov. Perhaps she could explain that she had reconsidered his proposal and he would accept her. She would try and live through an unhappy marriage rather than be a burden on Nikolai. 

He begs her not to go, and the tears in his eyes almost break her. When she won’t listen, he stops begging and pins her to the wall, eyes flaring in a desperate rage. 

He thrusts his mouth over hers to muffle her cries and she submits to him, her Nikolai. She allows him to kiss her, and he explores her mouth possessively, as he did when they were younger. 

When he draws away, his expression is soft again and he begs her again not to go. He says he couldn’t live without her, and that her presence in this house has been all that’s kept him going all this time. 

After much insistence, she finally agrees to stay and relief floods his beautiful eyes. It’s almost worth it—just to see that. He kisses her again, this time with a different kind of passion and it’s all she can do to stop him before things go any further. He respects her wishes to stay intact and leaves her be. 

Just before he leaves her room he turns back to her, eyes full of longing and—another familiar expression, which Sonya finally realises is—love. He’ll pretend it’s her, he says quietly, before the door clicks behind him and he’s gone. 

She falls to the floor in a sobbing heap. 

Soon Marya gives birth to his child, and then another, and he seems okay—sometimes even happy. But he isn’t—not truly—and now Sonya knows why. 

His children bring back the brightness in him from his youth—much more than Marya does—and Sonya tries to stay out of the way when they’re together as much as possible. Sonya takes up a new purpose in the children, they are beautiful just like their father and she loves them like her own. His happiness is tenfold when he watches them together with her. 

Marya notices of course, and Sonya can barely look the other woman in the eye. Marya is a kind and selfless woman, and Sonya knows she deserves better. She wishes she could be brave enough to leave—but they both know she could never deny Nikolai anything. She is grateful he hasn’t asked her for more, because she knows she would never be able to say no to him. 

One day, in the garden, Marya asks Sonya to take a walk with her. Sonya thinks this must be it—that she will finally ask her to leave. 

To her surprise, Marya is as friendly as ever. They talk about the children and other pleasant things for a little while, until Sonya starts to wonder whether the tension she had noticed in Marya previously was just her imagination. It’s right at this moment that a silence builds between them. 

When she finally brings Nikolai up, Sonya isn’t surprised. But what she has to say throws her off entirely. 

She says that she knows Nikolai is in love with Sonya. She says he tries to hide it from her, but that it’s plain to see. She has found out more about their history from Natasha, and though it hurts to know for sure that he isn’t in love with her—she had suspected it for a long time. Now she has come to realise that he never truly was. 

Sonya can’t meet the other woman’s eyes. She knows that it’s true, and she doesn’t know what to say. She feels awful to have come between Nikolai and his wife. And even worse that a woman so selfless, who has given so much to her family, would be the one to be injured most in all this. 

Sonya is surprised when Marya smiles—a genuine smile. It’s not at all as bad as that, she says, for Nikolai has given her what she always wanted—her own family. 

She now has acceptance, confidence, a purpose. She has a mother, sisters, her beloved children. She grasps Sonya’s hands in hers and tells her that nothing would make her happier than to see her family happy and—should she and Nikolai wish to be together—she is sure she could turn a blind eye to it. 

Sonya is in shock. She can’t believe that someone could honestly be this selfless. She wonders if this is some type of cruel game, but one look into Marya’s eyes tells her that it’s not. Marya is honestly telling Sonja that she will allow Nikolai to take her as his mistress, and though she will never be his wife, to have the opportunity to know him so intimately it is still much more than she has ever hoped for. She can hardly process all that this will mean to her right away.

She tells Marya thank you—a thousand times—and that she will think on it. 

When Nikolai bursts into her room that night, she knows he has spoken with his wife. He is a mess, and it pains her to see him like this. He tells her of his profound guilt. He has hurt not one, but two of the most kind and generous women he has ever known. He tells her that he honestly doesn’t know how he can live with himself, and breaks down in her arms.

Sonya soothes him, resting his head on her lap like a child, telling him everything will be alright. He is caught up in seeking comfort in her, curling into her stomach and nuzzling at the fabric of her nightgown. She takes the opportunity to gaze down at him. Though his eyes are clenched shut, in the dimly lit room his stunning features take her breath away. The warmth of the candlelight plays off his golden hair, casting a warm glow over his beautiful face. Just looking at him almost stops her heart, which clenches and twists with unexpressed adoration. She hasn’t decided what to do yet—whether they can truly take Marya up on her offer. Can she really give herself to him and forgo any chance of a future of her own? Might poor Marya someday regret giving her consent? And what if this beautiful creature grows tired of her? She isn’t sure that she could bear losing him again.

Eventually, when he has calmed down and his tears are dry, Sonja voices her uncertainty to Nikolai, who has rolled onto his back to gaze at the ceiling, head still cradled in her lap. He agrees that they all need time to think it over, but begs her to consider herself for a change—what she really wants in all this. If they commence an affair, he says, there may be consequences. And she also needs to consider her own prospects for a husband, once she is no longer intact. There will be no going back. 

She runs her fingers through his golden hair absently as she considers his words. Consequences. The thought of having Nikolai’s child secretly thrills Sonya. She has often imagined—dreamt of it. But never has she considered what the reality of him giving her that piece of himself would be like—for her body to accommodate and create a life in his image. The honour of it. It’s enough to make her giddy. 

She knows that Natasha would frown upon this kind of thinking—this kind of adoration. Nikolai would too. Would he still have her, if he knew she was already having these thoughts about bearing his illegitimate children? 

Personally, she doesn’t mind. She would never tell him about these dreams of hers. Sonya feels that the sole purpose for her being on this earth is to adore Nikolai Rostov. This has always been the way things were with her and Niki and there is no shame in that—not to her. She isn’t about to force herself to be any different now—not when his attention is back on her in this way. No, she would delight in having his child if it came to that. To create it and nurture it in her own womb—it would be like a little victory, all of her very own. Nobody could take that away from her—not even him. If anything, she is sure she would feel empowered by the miracle of it, and how it came to be—she knows it would feel like her own type of ownership over him. Perhaps the only type she would ever have.

Yes, the existence of a living person who is a product of her love for him—created by her devotion to him—thrills her infinitely. So much more than marrying someone else and allowing her body to dispassionately produce their heirs. She thinks briefly of Pierre—an illegitimate bastard—but loved by his father all the same. It seems that she is powerless to putting a stop to things furthering between them. She knows, as always, it is completely up to Nikolai. 

After several moments of silence, Sonya notices that the count’s blue eyes are no longer fixed on the ceiling as his mind wanders, but they are now on her. She blushes, unsure of how long he has been studying her, and he reaches up, moving to sit in beside her as he slides a finger under her chin, pushing her face up to meet his. She almost melts under his gaze, and for a moment she thinks she can see it in his eyes—his mind is made up. He hesitantly leans forward to kiss her, and she lets out a sigh of reverence as one of his hands reach around to her back. He draws her in to him needily and she gives herself over to him—letting him suck the air from her lungs and drink the life from her lips. She is his. She always has been. She always will be. Whether he wants her or not.

**Author's Note:**

> I found this somewhat difficult to write because Sonya’s perspective has always eluded me somewhat. I guess this is me trying to better understand her. The alarming thing for me is that I seem to identify with a lot of Sonya’s natural inclinations—even though they seem to contradict my beliefs. I’m still trying to work that out.
> 
> ****
> 
>  
> 
> _And so, it goes_  
>  _I let him in and now he grows_  
>  _In me_  
>  _In my body, in my head_  
>  _I see vultures circling my bed._  
>  _When I breathe, I know I’m breathing for two_  
>  _When I breathe, I know I’m breathing for you._
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> __  
>   
>   
> 
> 
> __  
> __  
> __-Ox.Eagle.Lion.Man__  
>   
> 


End file.
